Everytime I speak my mind about things that matter to me I...
always want to win, says my father
am a bit heavy, says my brother.
am the crazy one, says my friend's husband.
am obsessed, says N.
My voice must seem like a thunder on a clear sky, the rumble of the avalanche, the shaking of the earthquake. It is unexpected, sudden, threatening. It is an alarm, loud and piercing: it alerts of a possible attack and danger.
I am only speaking for God's sake!!
It is not my intention to scare anyone.
I keep talking but I stop saying. And gradually, in all that silence, amidst all that stillness, the most basic opinions start resonating like roars in a valley. Too few voices everywhere. The more quiet I try to be the louder I am, it seems.
And the most destructive.
It is not what I want! It is not how I meant it to be! It is not who I am!
No more pops in the sky. Now the sound is regular. It is the lulling voice of planes on a London sky, of trains running at the edge of a garden, of traffic on a main road. The voice is there, constant and repetitive, present and reliable.
I am here.
I am staying.
My life.
My terms.
My way.
It may take some getting used to.
That is all I am saying. Listening is what is needed.
Or I will say it. And say it. And say it...
Monday 28 May 2012
Wednesday 2 May 2012
The Power of Art, Friendship, Networking, Facebook and Laziness.
A lone-trip to California years ago has hammered in me how much beauty is waiting for you around the corner if only you have the courage to walk through it. At that time I had no choice. I was on holiday on my own aware that had I not taken chances, explored, kept myself open to people and experiences I'd have spent 30 days alone in a hostel common room. And so from the very beginning I seemed to have signed up for a crashtest on my level of acceptance and ability to adapt to new circumstances. It started from the beginning: the flight was delayed and I missed my connection in unknown Atlanta. I shouldn't have worried. I was put up in a fab room at the Hilton. Later, the minute I dropped my bag off at the San Diego Youth Hostel I was offered a lift to the beach by two yankee boys. In my head a soundtrack made up of my mum's warnings and all the movies I had ever watched about silly trusty girls. Yet I went and had a great day. From then on the improbable and the unexpected followed: a spur of the moment night hop over the Mexican border to taste Tijuana's infamous clubs in the company of two funky Americans and two lovely but slightly scaredy-cats Italians, a James Dean type of near-death experience on the CA 101 to San Francisco with an Aussie boy an a rented cabrio, a psychedelic encounter with a generous and sweet marjuana grower and a trip on his van to deliver some to San Francisco's terminally illed, a fun night with a bunch of drunken charming Rhys Meyers-lookalikes Irish lads, dancing at the gay pride are just some of the many I recount.
Indeed I often felt lonely and wondered what I was doing there, why I had chosen to do this, alone. And I'd mop for a while feeling sorry for myself. But then, choiceless, I'd pick myself up and go somewhere, unwittingly toward something. And this something was always a door to something magnificent. Very much like Dorothy opening the door of her gray bedroom onto the colourful Wizard of Oz.
I promised myself to keep all those wise lessons in my head once back in England and back to a relationship that was suffering from fatigue and stagnation. The relationship did not survive but I kept trying living by this matra, with as much force and intention as possible within the restriction of a non-holiday setting. I was helped by my faith in the world and its inhabitants, having being lucky enough to experience the positives that life has to offer far more times than I have done with its opposites. Admittedly it has not always been easy and it has become even harder now with the anchoring that three human attachments provide - their needs, wellbeing, desires not always matching my own, their corners often being not the same as mine. Sometimes pulling my family along with me across my own threshold has worked. More often it seems we each have our own individual corners to find and turn.
And so a heartfelt thank you to Julia who with her artwork today has reminded me once again 'to go with the flow, expect the unexpected, not worry if things don’t turn out as planned, and remain open to all possibilities.'
Here is the blog of her 30 Day challenge http://becreativedaily.com/. It starts today. Hope it has the power to uplift your day too.
Indeed I often felt lonely and wondered what I was doing there, why I had chosen to do this, alone. And I'd mop for a while feeling sorry for myself. But then, choiceless, I'd pick myself up and go somewhere, unwittingly toward something. And this something was always a door to something magnificent. Very much like Dorothy opening the door of her gray bedroom onto the colourful Wizard of Oz.
I promised myself to keep all those wise lessons in my head once back in England and back to a relationship that was suffering from fatigue and stagnation. The relationship did not survive but I kept trying living by this matra, with as much force and intention as possible within the restriction of a non-holiday setting. I was helped by my faith in the world and its inhabitants, having being lucky enough to experience the positives that life has to offer far more times than I have done with its opposites. Admittedly it has not always been easy and it has become even harder now with the anchoring that three human attachments provide - their needs, wellbeing, desires not always matching my own, their corners often being not the same as mine. Sometimes pulling my family along with me across my own threshold has worked. More often it seems we each have our own individual corners to find and turn.
And so a heartfelt thank you to Julia who with her artwork today has reminded me once again 'to go with the flow, expect the unexpected, not worry if things don’t turn out as planned, and remain open to all possibilities.'
Here is the blog of her 30 Day challenge http://becreativedaily.com/. It starts today. Hope it has the power to uplift your day too.
Thursday 26 April 2012
A man's perspective.
Tim Lott's new column on The Saturday Guardian shows that you can be a men's man and still believe in equality at the same time. But most af all that we are all in this together, that we do not hold all the answers, that we make mistakes often with the best intention at heart and that every step is often a jump in the dark.
Hurray!!!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/14/tim-lott-man-about-house?Tim Lott shows that you can be a men's man and pro-feminism at the same time. hurray!!!INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487
Hurray!!!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/14/tim-lott-man-about-house?Tim Lott shows that you can be a men's man and pro-feminism at the same time. hurray!!!INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487
Look great when burning the bra!
It still strikes me that one is often asked, 'ARE YOU A FEMINIST THEN?' (picture horrified/pitiful/patronising face to go with it) when pronouncing basic innocent half sentences such as 'I disagree' 'I don't iron' 'My husband does it' 'I have friend of the opposite sex I go for lunch with' etc.
If the battle is still on, as these comments highlight, I see no reasons why a girl (or anybody - boy, man or woman - for that matter!) should not look her magnificent best even whilst burning the feminist bra or when chained at the gates of patriarchy.
Here is a great blog to learn invaluable lessons on how to look effortlessly great. This is crucial for someone like me who too often makes the mistake of neglecting one side of herself in favour of another. For example, when I feed the mind I am not able to do anything else but also feed the body with rubbish aplenty whilst altogether forgetting to look in the mirror; then when I concentrate on my abs all I do is burn calories by constantly roaming the local TK-Max for lycras; and when I decide to be careful about what I eat my daily cultural intake consist in swallowing an episode of The Apprentice! Why oh why can't I have it all? (Another reasons to blame my parents for trying to raise me as a boy - I don't seem to be able to multitask where a beauty regime is concerned.)
And so I put all my faith in Kelly, I am sure she can make miracles. Here is her fantastic Blog: http://www.lookgreateverydayuk.com/
Oh, if you happen to be looking out for me at the next Race for Life I will be the one that having just passed the finishing line looks like she has just woken up and threw something on.
If the battle is still on, as these comments highlight, I see no reasons why a girl (or anybody - boy, man or woman - for that matter!) should not look her magnificent best even whilst burning the feminist bra or when chained at the gates of patriarchy.
Here is a great blog to learn invaluable lessons on how to look effortlessly great. This is crucial for someone like me who too often makes the mistake of neglecting one side of herself in favour of another. For example, when I feed the mind I am not able to do anything else but also feed the body with rubbish aplenty whilst altogether forgetting to look in the mirror; then when I concentrate on my abs all I do is burn calories by constantly roaming the local TK-Max for lycras; and when I decide to be careful about what I eat my daily cultural intake consist in swallowing an episode of The Apprentice! Why oh why can't I have it all? (Another reasons to blame my parents for trying to raise me as a boy - I don't seem to be able to multitask where a beauty regime is concerned.)
And so I put all my faith in Kelly, I am sure she can make miracles. Here is her fantastic Blog: http://www.lookgreateverydayuk.com/
Oh, if you happen to be looking out for me at the next Race for Life I will be the one that having just passed the finishing line looks like she has just woken up and threw something on.
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